Schola Cantorum of Falmouth
Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Renaissance and other a cappella choral music
Former faculty, Royal Academy of Music
Humor page...
Compiled by Paula Muldoon, our former director, now safely renoved from the scene of the crime as she takes a double major in violin performance and Medieval & Early Modern Studies at University of Michigan.
Choral Jokes
What's the definition of a bad soprano? One who's so bad that the tenors notice.
What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha? The lipstick.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull? The jewelry.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average American football offensive lineman? Stage makeup.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian tenor? About 10 pounds.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One - she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2. Two - one to hold the mineral water and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
What's the definition of an alto? A soprano who can sightread.
How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. They can't get that high.
2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"
How do you tell if a tenor is dead? The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
Where is a tenor's resonance? Where his brain should be.
What's the definition of a male quartet? Three men and a tenor.
Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)
How do you tell if a bass is actually dead? Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
How do you tell if a bass is dead?
1. What's the difference?
2. Who cares?
How many basses does it take to change a light bulb? None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and an amateur choral performance? The tennis final has more men.
How does a young man become a member of an amateur chorus? On the first day in a new town he accidentally goes into the wrong building.
What is the difference between a world war and an amateur choral performance? The performance causes more suffering.
Why do amateur choruses travel so often? Keeps assassins guessing.
What's the definition of an optimist? A choral director with a mortgage.
What is the difference between an amateur choral director and a chimpanzee? It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
47. One to change the bulb and all the rest to stand around explaining how they would have tackled the role if they had been given the opportunity.
How to Cook a Conductor
Ingredients
One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
Ketchup
26 large garlic cloves
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yoghurt
One abused Orchestra
First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the Principal Second Violin) and long articulations and discard. Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the Conductor between two large cymbals.
Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor with the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun, you can cover yourself with
Crisco too, removing clothes first.
Next, take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to you and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.
When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.
WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas, such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture, and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors be limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever." Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive longevity.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows - no one has watched one long enough.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby?
A baby sucks its fingers.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
A Player's Guide to Keeping the Conductor in Line
1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draught. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
4. Look the other way just before cues.
5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of droppable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
14. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
What is the most frequent request a viola player receives?
Big Mac and Fries, please.
A pianist, a violinist and a violist were in a room with a magic mirror. The mirror said, "If you tell me the truth about yourself, you'll get piles and piles of gold. However, if you lie, you'll get sucked into oblivion." So the pianist said, "I think I have really good right hand - left hand coordination." He gets piles and piles of gold. The violinist says, "I think I have a really good bow arm." Piles and piles of gold. The violist walks up and says, "I think-"
What's the definition of perfect pitch? Roger Clemens hitting Mike Piazza with both ends of the viola.
What kind of notes do violists play? Non-harmonic tones.
For Sale:
Viola: German, 19th century, 405mm. Excellent condition. Recently tuned.
How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Why is a viola better than a violin?
The viola burns longer.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola? 1.The viola burns longer. 2.The viola holds more beer. 3.You can tune the violin.
We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando? Mark it "solo."
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
What do you do with a dead violist? Move him back a desk.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What's the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola.
What's the definition of a minor second? Two violists playing in unison.
What's the definition of "perfect pitch?" Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses? They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist? The seamstress tucks up the frills.
What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist? Vibrato.
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola? It saves time.
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? The bow is moving.
How was the canon invented? Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
Why is a viola solo like a bomb? By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars? 1. So they can park in "handicapped" parking places. 2. If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
Why don't violists play hide and seek? Because no one will look for them.
Why do violists smile when they play? Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering? Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road? Skid marks before the skunk.
How do you get a violin to sound like a viola? 1.Sit in the back and don't play. 2. Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
1.The soprano. The violist would have to stop halfway down to ask directions. 2.Who cares?
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why is a violist like a terrorist? They both screw up bowings (Boeings).
What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto? Music Minus One
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What is the range of a Viola? As far as you can kick it.
What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common? They're both offensive and inaccurate.
Why are violas so large? It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large-just that the viola players' heads are so small.
What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola? If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.
What is the definition of a cluster chord? A viola section playing on the C string.
If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis? The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.
Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it? You could fit in at least one more.
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They're not small enough to fit.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case? They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it. Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case? They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? 1. Half a measure 2. A semi-tone
Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany? Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back? Because he can't lean back in his chair.
What instrument do violists envy most? The harp. All you ever have to do is play pizzicato on open strings.
What's another name for viola auditions? Scratch lottery.
How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune? 1. Shoot 11 of them. 2. Shoot all of them. 3. Who the hell wants a dozen violists?
What's the latest crime wave in New York City? Drive-by viola recitals.
How does a violist's brain cell die? Alone.
How do you call a violist with two brain cells? Pregnant.
Why do violists have pea-sized brains? Because alcohol has swelled them.
How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies? Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.
What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?
Neither has played together since 1970.
What is the longest viola joke? Harold in Italy
What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub? Vegetable soup.
Did you hear about the violist who played in tune? Neither did I.
What is the main requirement at the "International Viola Competition"? Hold the viola from memory.
Why did the violist marry the accordion player? Upward mobility.
How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola? Divide the metronome marking by 2.
Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under? Because deep down they are all very nice people.
How do you keep a violist from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
Note: the following joke is very funny in German, but doesn't translate well into English. Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche? Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage. (What are the three positions of the viola? First position, emergency, and defeat.)
Conductor: "Start three measures before the da capo." Principal violist: "Hold on! We don't have measure numbers."
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
Radio presenter, Tim Pollard, on BBC Radio Jersey, when introducing a piece of music by the well-known British composer, Eric Coates, said: "All Eric Coates ever wanted to do was to write music to entertain. But for a while he was a professional viola player."
After his retirement the violist arrived home carrying his viola case. His wife saw the case and asked "What's that?" (In Germany it is a standing joke that some players leave their instruments in their lockers, removing them only for rehearsals and performances.)
A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship. "Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."
A violist came home and found his house burned to the ground. When he asked what happened, the police told him "Well, apparently the conductor came to your house, and ..."
The violist's eyes lit up and he interrupted excitedly, "The conductor? Came to my house?"
A cellist and three violists walked into a restaurant. Presently a waiter came over to serve them.
"Good Evening, sir," he said to the cellist. "And what would like tonight?"
"I'd like a rump steak, medium rare," replied the cellist.
"Would you like anything with that?"
"What do you have?"
"Salad?" suggested the waiter.
"No, thank you," said the cellist.
"Potatoes?"
"Ah, no."
"Vegetables?"
"Oh, they'll have what I'm having."
A viola player went to a piano recital. After the performance he went up to the pianist and said, "You know, I particularly liked that piece you played last--the one that started with a long trill."
The pianist said, "Huh? I didn't play any pieces that started with trills."
The viola player said, "You know--[he hums the opening bars of Für Elise.]"
A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, "What are you so upset about?"
The violist replied "The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!"
The conductor asked, "Don't you think you're overreacting?"
The violist replied, "I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one!"
A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the violists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the violist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "viola left hand, bow right."
A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was "$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason." The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it.
As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned.
The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said "I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!"
The man said "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed violists."
A viola player decides that he's had enough of being a viola player--unappreciated, all those silly jokes.
So he decides to change instruments.
He goes into a shop, and says, "I want to buy a violin."
The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, "You must be a viola player."
The viola player is astonished, and says, "Well, yes, I am. But how did you know?"
"Well, sir, this is a fish-and-chip shop."
An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair violist.
The manager was very nervous about this. "We can't audition you," he said.
"No problem," replied the violist.
"There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold."
"I know. It'll be all right."
The violist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the violist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.
At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the violist took his place at the back of the viola section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him "Where've you been for the last two weeks?"
Once there was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.
"For letting me out of my lamp I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.
The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."
The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep, and in the morning he would be a much better musician. The next day he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the Symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again, and out popped the genie.
"You have two more wishes!" he said.
"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"
Once again, the genie told him to go to bed, and when he woke up it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again, and once more out came the genie.
"This is your last wish." the genie said.
"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"
Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.
A musician from the Chicago Symphony one day ran across an old lamp at a garage sale, took it home, washed it up, and out popped a genie.
"Thank you kind sir for releasing me from this old lamp. I regret to say that you have encountered a poor, less powerful genie, and I can only grant you one wish, but wish away," said the genie.
"Oh that's wonderful. I think I would really like to make a difference in the world with my one wish," said the musician. He thought for a moment and then reached for his atlas. "Here's a map of the Middle East. The people who live there have been fighting for years and years. For my one wish, I would like to bring peace to this land."
The genie, a little caught off guard, said "Oh, well, ah... that's a little bit too much for even this old master to handle. Aah, ya see, these people... they're involved in that touchy religious stuff, and aah, the kids, aah, they begin fighting when they're just teenagers. I'm afraid you're going to have to make another wish."
"Well, okay." said the musician. "For my one wish, I would just once like to hear the Chicago Symphony viola section play in tune."
The genie quickly thought for a moment and replied, "Um, let me take a look at those maps again."
When "Oetzi," the famous glacier-mummy, was found in the Alps, archeologists and anthropologists were mystified by the riddle of "Oetzi's" nature, the chief question being: "How did he get under the ice-fields?" Thanks to a joint venture operation by leading music-anthropologists the mystery has found its solution: "Oetzi" must have been a violist. How else could the glacier have caught up with him?
A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure."
The violist guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The violist got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission.
The violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him. The shepherd then got an idea and asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?"
The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a violist, aren't you?"
The violist was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."
In order to save money, the musicians decided to build their Union Hall themselves. As they proceeded to do the job, gradually the hierarchy of the musicians was reflected in the jobs that they did. The violists found themselves at the bottom of a ditch doing the nastiest of the digging. Above them, supervising, was a trumpet player. One violist turned to another and asked, "How come we're working down here and he's working up there?"
The other responded, "I don't know, but I'll go up there and ask."
The violist crawled up to the top of the ditch. "Why are we down there digging while you're up here supervising?" the violist asked the trumpeter.
"Because I'm smarter than you," was the reply.
"Huh, I don't understand," the confused violist said.
"Allow me to demonstrate," said the trumpeter. He walked up to the nearest tree, put out his open hand in front of the tree and said to the violist, "Hit my hand!"
The violist reared back with his fist and shot a punch at the trumpeter's open hand. At the last instant, the trumpeter moved his hand out of the way so that the violist's fist went slamming into the tree.
"OW!" cried the violist, "I see what you mean." He then returned to the ditch and his friend waiting below.
"Well," said the other violist, "did you find out why he's up there and we're down here?"
"Yes," said the violist, whose hand was still throbbing, "it's because he's smarter than us."
"I don't understand," said his friend.
"Let me explain it to you," said the violist. He then took his open hand and placed it in front of his own face.
"Now," he said, "hit my hand with your shovel!"
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of violists. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one violist every hour.
Once upon a time there was a hospital where they made brain transplants. A client asked about the prices.
The doctor said, " Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000...this brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000...oh yes, here we a violist's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."
A noted bon vivant and comic was recently flying to Berlin. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great violist joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a violist".
"That's OK. I'll tell it real slow!"
A psychiatrist walks into a brain shop, and says to the proprietor "Hello. I am here to do some research on human brains. What do you have in stock?"
"Well," proprietor began, "We have some Harvard MBA brains at $10 a pound. We also have a few NASA brains going for about $100 a pound. And, just in today, we have some fresh violist brains."
"How much are they?" the scientist inquired.
"$1000 a pound."
"Wow! That's expensive! Every orchestra has them. Why are they so expensive? Are they really high quality?"
"Well, no, they're about average. But, do you know how many violists you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"
A violist and a percussionist were walking in a park. The percussionist saw a dead crow and said to the violist, "Look, a dead crow."
The violist looked up and asked, "Where?"
One day Timmy came home from school very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, Guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!"
His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a violist."
The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"
"Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a violist."
On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a violist?"
"No dear," she said. "That's because you're 26 years old."
Two years ago an orchestra was on tour in France. One evening they decided to go find some snails so they could have escargot for dinner. Everybody was given a bag and send into the vineyards.
Gradually everybody came back with their bags filled with snails. All sections were there except the violists, who returned several hours later. The concertmaster asked, "Were have you been for so long and why are your bags empty?"
"Well," they said, "I don't know how you managed, but it was a disaster. We saw a lot of snails, but they were quick! Just as we went to get them, rush...and they were gone!"
A man (call him Horace) went on a safari in darkest Africa with a bunch of other people and some native guides. They traveled on foot, going deep into the jungle where they could hear the screeching of birds and howling of wild cats and other fierce wild animals.
After a few days of travel, Horace came to notice that there was a constant drumming noise in the background. He asked the leader of the guides what the drumming was. He got no answer, just a stony silence. The drumming continued all day and all night for the next several days. In fact, as they traveled deeper into the jungle the drumming got even louder. Horace tried again to find out what the drumming meant by asking the other native guides, but he still got no answer.
Finally one morning, after days of marching to this drumming (which by now was sounding quite ominous), the drums suddenly stopped. The native guides screamed and ran into the jungle to hide in the undergrowth. The leader remained behind with his charges, but he was trembling with fear. Horace asked "What is wrong? Why have the drums stopped?"
The native guide replied "Very bad."
"What?" asked Horace, who was expecting the worst.
The guide answered "When drum stops, very bad--next comes viola solo!"
After a concert is given one of the Violists looks very content. "Listen to me. You won't believe it," he said to his colleagues. "I could play everything and I missed not a single note!"
On that very moment the drummer comes in and asks: "Has anybody seen my part?"
What's the difference between a Viola and a TV dinner? The Viola doesn't fit in a Microwave oven. (Unless you break the neck off)
What's the difference between a Viola player driving into town and a plumber driving into town?
The plumber is going to a gig.
What's the difference between a Viola and scraping your nails on a blackboard?
Vibrato.
How can you make a Violin sound more like a Viola?
Miss a lot of notes.
Why do Violin players double on Viola?
So they can get less work.
Why are Viola parts written in Alto Clef?
Harder to prove that wrong notes weren't copying errors.
Where did Alto Clef originate?
Bach took a bribe from a wealthy Viola player.
What's the range of a Viola?
35 yards if you've got a good arm.
What do you call someone who hangs around musicians a lot?
A Viola player.
Why do symphony orchestras use so many Violas?
To make the custodial staff feel superior. Also helps the homeless problem.
What is the most common Viola tuning system for Western music?
Bad-tempered.
How many Viola players do you need to change a light bulb?
Three: one to do the work and two to pretend to.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A Viola player with a pager.
What's the difference between a Violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Violinists have Dont etudes, Violists have Can't etude, Cellists have Won't etudes and Bassists have Shouldn't etudes.
When reading these jokes, always remember:
Every viola joke can be transposed up a fifth or down an octave!
Why do viola players have transparent lunchboxes?
So that they can tell whether they are going to a rehearsal or returning from it.
Entry Exam For The BBC Symphony Orchestra-- Viola Players
The pass mark is 10% but be careful-- over 45% correct and you are overqualified.
1. Who wrote the following: a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6 [5 pts.]
b) Fauré's Requiem c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
2. Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including No. 4. Name the other five. [5 pts.]
3. Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the reverse of the paper. [10 pts.]
4. Which of the following would you tuck under your chin? [1 pt.]
a) a timpani b) an organ c) a cello d) a viola
5. Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.) [5 pts.]
6. Which of the following literary works becamse the subject of a Verdi opera? [5 pts.]
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton
7. Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument? [5 pts.]
8. Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.
a) Quickly b) Slowly c) Very Quickly d) At a Moderate Pace [4 pts.]
9. Where do you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance? [5 pts.]
10. Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Jim Kirk b) Mickey Mouse c) Felix Mendelssohn d) Luke Skywalker
11. Which of the following is the odd one out? [5 pts.]
a) Curt Masur b) Leonard Bernstein c) Seji Ozowa d) Darth Vader
12. Arrange these words into the name of a well-known Puccini opera:. Bohème, La
13. Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz? [5 pts.]
14. From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela b) Sri Lanka c) Germany d) Japan [5 pts.]
15. For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies written? [5 pts.]
16. Which is the odd one out? [5 pts.]
a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall -- anon.
17. From which song do the following lines come? [5 pts.]
"God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen."
18. Spell the following musical terms.
allegro rallentando crotchet pizzicato intermezzo
19. Carmen is a character found in which Bizet opera?
20. Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well-known British broadcasting corporation: C, B, B.
Gentleman: A man who can play the bagpipes but refrains from doing so.
